Some people seem to be so confident in life. They walk around as if nothing can shake them. When you see these people, you may start wondering why you don’t feel like that and why you are feeling insecure. I’ve experienced this myself, and it’s not a nice place to be. It makes you feel so small. But there are ways to overcome your insecurities! I even created a program to help you stop being insecure!
In this article, we will explore the feelings of insecurity. We will explore why we feel insecure, how insecurities start, and where they come from. We will also explore what it means to be insecure and how we can stop being insecure.
How do insecurities start?
As you probably know, a lot of experiences we have today as adults can be traced back to our childhood. We didn’t just become the adults we are today. There is a whole past full of experiences that shape us into who we are today.
Every experience of our past possibly had an influence on our feelings of insecurity back then. However, those experiences can also still influence us today. Especially in our youth, we are still developing ourselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically. We are way more vulnerable. It’s often here that our insecurities start! That’s also why these years are so crucial to build confidence.
Insecurities can start at any time in your childhood, and for some people, the experiences they have can amplify feelings of insecurity. There is a difference between the different ages, though.
When we are babies, we are like sponges. Any words, behaviors, and energies that are in our environment are what we take in. During this period, it’s especially the energies we take in that have a big influence. Were you welcome as a baby? Were your parents and people around you happy when they saw you? Were you cared for or neglected? These questions can already give you a lot of information about why you are feeling insecure.
Until we are around seven years old, we still live in the aura of our parents. This means that a lot of the emotions and experiences of our parents influence us energetically, too. These first seven years are very crucial. If your mother or father was very insecure when you were that age or if they didn’t feel safe, it may have influenced you at that time.
Aside from our environment and hanging in our parents' aura, which is the energetical side of why you may feel insecure, there is also the emotional, mental, and physical side of how insecurities start. Your caretakers - be it your parents or not - have a very big influence on your feelings of insecurity.
Here are some behaviors of parents or adults around you that can make you feel insecure as a child and as a continuation as an adult. It can be just one person who has this behavior. It can also be that there were multiple people, including your siblings.
Some of the behaviors:
Not believing in you.
Downplaying the things you did or said
Neglecting you
Gaslighting you
Judging you negatively OR giving high praises
Having high expectations that are difficult to reach
Being very restrictive or authoritative
Letting you feel you are not good enough or that IT is not good enough
Breaking you down, insulting you, making fun of you, making you feel like an outsider
Abusing you mentally, emotionally, physically, or sexually
Caretakers who only thought about themselves / with narcissistic traits
Absence of a parent
During the school years and teenage years, the above behaviors still influence your insecurities. The only difference is that it’s not only your caretakers anymore; it can be anyone else you are surrounded by who can influence your feelings of insecurities: teachers, classmates, friends, or people in one of your hobbies. Additionally, if you regularly have experiences where you fail, the feeling of insecurity can be heightened.
Personally, I know my insecurities started from having an absent father and the feeling of having done something wrong or not being good enough or loveable enough because of it. Additionally, having problems with mathematics and feeling dumb because of it made me feel like a failure and surely influenced my insecurities. I am not sure how my insecurities started, but having African roots and growing up in a mainly white society also affected how I felt. The people I could look up to and the beauty ideal that was shown didn’t look like me, and this, too, influenced how I felt and added a bit to my insecurities.
So, looking at your past can give you an indication of why you feel insecure today because these experiences create the root of feeling insecure. The reason why you still feel insecure today is because you haven’t healed certain past pains or traumas, and you don’t believe in yourself. We will go deeper into this when we talk about how you can stop being insecure.
I have been talking about insecurity and the feelings of insecurity, but what does it actually mean to be insecure?
What does it mean to be insecure?
Being insecure means that you are not sure of yourself; you don’t trust yourself and what you feel, think, or want to do. It can manifest itself in different areas. It can be that you are not sure of what you are feeling, what you are thinking, what you want to express, how you look, or the decisions you want to make.
Some people are confident in almost every area but are insecure about how they look. Other people are confident in almost every area but are insecure about initiating a conversation. Some people are insecure in every area. As you can see, there is no one size fits all.
But being insecure basically means that you doubt yourself, you can’t trust yourself fully, or you even don’t put value in yourself.
So, if this is what it means to be insecure, then how do insecure people act? How do you know if you are insecure? What does feeling insecure feel like?
Well, I believe these are very important questions! When we look at how insecurity expresses itself, it all becomes clearer. Once you know how insecure people act, you can recognize it more quickly within yourself or within other people, which can help you make other decisions or respond differently. If you understand how insecurity feels, you may be able to pinpoint how it’s playing out in your life, or you can have more compassion for someone else.
So, how do you know if you are insecure? Let’s look at how insecure people act!
Of course, your behavior depends on what you are insecure about and how you respond when you feel fear. If you go to the root of insecurity, you will find that insecurity is actually a fear!
This means insecure people can act in similar ways as people who are feeling fear. These behaviors and actions can show themselves in all manner of ways.
How do you know if you are insecure? Well, people who feel insecure (or feel fear) can:
Be very silent and make themselves small or invisible. A way insecure people act is by trying to hide themselves so that people won’t point their attention to them.
Be very loud! Insecure people can act as clowns or jokers because, in this way, they can distract people from other topics or things instead of the energy going to them.
Become angry because they have the need to defend themselves
Have difficulties with receiving compliments
Worry a lot and go over the same thoughts over and over again.
Gossip about other people
Feel better when other people feel bad/sad
People please
Have difficulties putting their boundaries or saying no
Have difficulties sharing their opinion
Feel confused about what they actually feel or think
Put their power into other people's hands (trusting other people more than themselves)
Avoid certain situations where they know they will feel insecure
Avoid answering or communicating when they don’t know how to react
Create a wall around themselves and let no one or few people in
Avoid starting or doing what they actually want to do or postpone
Act differently than they usually are, wear a mask, be inauthentic
Say things that they think other people want to hear
Be uncomfortable around conflict or when other people aren’t friendly
Feel bodily shifts and therefore get sweaty hands, a red face, or start to stutter. Your heart can beat quickly, and you can feel uncomfortable butterflies in your stomach in some situations.
Look at themselves from the outside in, so through the eyes of other people, instead of from the inside out.
This list is, of course, not exhaustive. There are many more ways in which insecure people act. The best way for you to discover if you are insecure is to check the above list and see if something resonates with you.
Another way of knowing if you are insecure is tuning into your intuition. Close your eyes, lay your hand on your heart, and ask yourself: When are the times you doubted yourself? When were you insecure? And maybe an image or memory will pop up! How did you feel? What did you think? How did you act? Just explore.
You can also ask yourself: in which moments, in which situations, with whom, and around what am I the most insecure?
You can also ask yourself when you feel confident. If there were times you felt confident, it can be interesting to tap into that feeling and to notice the difference!
Noticing and understanding when, where, and how you are insecure is priceless and the first step in overcoming your insecurities!
How can I stop being insecure? How do I overcome my insecurities? How do I fix my insecurity?
Sometimes, we deal with deeply rooted insecurities. Insecurities can create so many blockages in our lives that we eventually crave that we overcome our insecurities. So, one can ask how we fix our insecurities.
Can we really fix our insecurities? Is it possible to overcome them? There was a time when I didn’t believe it was possible to overcome my own feelings of insecurity. I kept on asking why I was feeling insecure and why it wasn’t going away! But if you read through the lines, you can notice that the problem lies exactly in ‘wanting to fix your insecurity.’
When you have the approach of wanting to fix something, then that means there is something wrong with you. Or that something is broken!
But the whole point is that there is nothing wrong with you! You’ve maybe learned this somewhere along the way, but that’s not the truth. Continuing this energy of needing to fix something within yourself doesn’t move you forward.
So how, then, can you stop being insecure?
Explore why you are feeling insecure. Understanding things out of your past or your childhood can make it easier to be kind to yourself and your insecurities right now. It can clarify why you feel insecure and who or what also contributed to your feelings in this way. It doesn’t help to beat yourself up or to push yourself in the direction of being confident if you are not ready yet. Some healing is needed first.
2. It’s very important to be compassionate towards yourself and to bring your understanding self forward. You’ve been through difficult moments in your life that made you insecure. Give yourself credit for having endured these moments. That wasn’t easy for you at the time. It’s normal that you became insecure.
3. Make the choice that you are willing to shift! Sometimes, we can start to identify with our insecurities. It can be so much part of who we are that it is almost difficult to let go of. It can even feel scary because if you let go of your insecurities, what else are you letting go of? Making the decision to stop being insecure can have a big impact on everything in your life, including your relationships. So, you really need to feel in your bones that you are willing to transform!! There is a lot of power in your will and intention. So, decide now that you want to stop being insecure! Only then will you go to the fourth step.
4. Time for healing! If you want to overcome your insecurities, it’s important you heal the root of it. Inner child healing is a great way of healing pains and traumas out of your past! I once made a podcast episode about this: your inner child wants to meet you! Another great way of healing your insecurities is breathwork or other somatic practices. Because insecurity is a fear, it often also lives in our bodies, and through somatic work, we can remove it from our bodies. It can have a great impact on how we feel!
5. Self-love & getting to know yourself! Often, we can be very hard on ourselves; we don’t trust ourselves, and we don’t believe in ourselves! So, to stop being insecure, you will need to invest in yourself! What can you do that makes you feel good? What would a person who loves themselves do? What does it mean to trust yourself? What does it mean to choose YOU? Which people around you are supportive and want to see you thriving and confident? It’s also possible that you have experienced things in your past that need forgiveness. I am not someone who pushes people to forgive other people if the time isn’t right yet, but starting with forgiving yourself can already come a long way. The Ho’opono pono is a great tool for this!
6. Step into your confident self! You can’t stop being insecure if you keep on seeing yourself as someone insecure. So, think about situations and people where you mostly feel insecure. Then, brainstorm about those situations: what would you say or do, how would you behave, and what would you look like if you were confident in this situation?
Close your eyes and visualize yourself being like that! The power of visualization is real, y’all! Maybe you can even practice some things in front of the mirror! Then, you try it out in real life, gather the courage, and start living in your confident self. In the beginning, it may feel very weird or uncomfortable. Or you may feel insecure about being confident (haha, the irony!), but practice makes perfect!
7. Your environment. When you stop being insecure, choose for yourself, and trust yourself, other people will start to feel it! You want to keep the people close who cheer on you! It can be that you have relationships with people who thrive on you being insecure. Once you start shifting your own dynamic, they will notice this, and it may not feel comfortable for them. So prepare yourself for a bumpy ride! But at least you’ll be driving confidently in your own car without caring what other people think.
If you are serious about overcoming your insecurities and “fixing” your insecurity, if you really want to stop being insecure, I’ve created a beautiful program that will help you with this, as I mentioned at the beginning of this article.
The program is called Rooted Within; it is a transformative journey where you learn how to transform your fears and insecurities and where you come closer to yourself!
When you sign up, you get access to an online environment of 11 chapters with videos, teachings, healings, exercises, and a workbook! It’s super comprehensive! You also get an individual one-on-one energetic clearing & individual email support if that’s needed.
Xx
Ama
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